I have been preparing for this for a while. It is the debut of the person I have longed to know, the person I have always wanted to be, and I didn’t even know it. I stepped out into the new adventure that was, at times, intimidating, but I had been preparing for it both physically and emotionally for years. I began to see her emerge slowly, a tribal woman, strong, independent. I used to look at single females like they were an exotic animal on the Serengeti. I observed them like a National Geographic documentary. In the grocery store, I could hear the commentary, “See the strong stature of this species foraging for food.” I watched them in social situations, “These incredibly independent strain does not require a mate to make them feel whole or secure. They are secure by being. “ I have been studying them for a while. I studied them because I knew I was going to be one, and if I were turning into this, I would embrace it with fervor.
If you believe in numerology, Not saying that I do, but I think the number 15 is strange in my life. I left home when I was 15. My first marriage to the father of my daughter ended after 15 years, and my last marriage ended at 19. What, you ask? Then where is the 15? Well, we knew it was over at 15. But we waited because the time was never right for him as he was focusing on grad school. I spent four years preparing for this, and probably began intellectually and emotionally preparing for it before that 15 years. My heart broke the day I heard the song, “Say something I’m giving up on you.” I sent it to him, and later told him it made me sad because it made me think of us, and his comment was, “ I can’t deal with this right now. “ And there you go. But, I am an extremely hopeful person, and in marriage, I was hopeful to a fault. Until one day you realize that it consumes a lot of energy to love someone that has no desire to fight for you or your relationship. It takes a lot out of a person to grieve for so many, many years. You must decide for yourself, and that began my independence, and my “National Geographic “ investigation into this wild and wonderful woman.
In the years before the marriage ended as we both went our ways, living in the same house, I took up dance. Three years later I was a dance assistant and enjoying the exercise, camaraderie and brain stimulation that dance provided. It also had the added benefit of touch. As I told my husband, my patience with him waiting to divorce through grad school and my need for human touch was satiated by those in the dance community. Without it, the pain of no touch would have been unbearable, and I would have pushed the divorce quicker. He knew this.
I was also entering a new stage of my life. I was also interested in reclaim pieces of me that I had lost. For example, I loved camping, and I set out to purchase camping equipment this time not for a family or a couple but simply for me. I was going to make that a part of my life.
The paperwork came through, I walked alone to the be in front of the judge, and ended a 19-year marriage. It was the same day I finished a seven-year art project and had it loaded into a van for delivery to a foundry. It was a day of closure in more ways than one.
Psuche