Broken but there are now books and blessings

“I just got out alive; I jumped out the window.” my son in law probably made this call from the backyard, after he jumped out of the window and before his neighbors broke down the back fence, so he could escape. The fire was so hot; there was no place to go. He escaped from a fire that every fireman has said, “He should not be alive.” There was a tremendous heat as the fire from the roof kissed and then gobbled up the backyard pine trees. The same trees that held the hammock that my daughter posed in smiling content that her house was as at a stage where they had everything they needed and wanted. She posted this hammock picture of her and my granddaughter on Instagram just a few days before the fire.

My home is only 25 minutes from my daughter’s, but on that afternoon it felt like miles away as I rushed to the scene. My daughter was not in the fire but collapsed in front as she watched her life go up in smoke and flames, started by a candle that she lit and forgot. The trauma of that moment has haunted her and will haunt her for the rest of her life. She did not know where her husband was. She had just left him sleeping in the house because he worked nights and had taken sinus medicine. She was gone for less than 15 minutes as she went to pick up my three-year-old granddaughter.  In 15 minutes my daughter lost everything. Everything but the clothes on their back, and for my son- in law, the clothes on his back were just his underwear.

Much has happened in these few months. My kids moved in with me and back to our hood. It felt comfortable and my daughter now 32 was brought home as a baby to this house. It was familiar, nurturing, a home when all that felt like home was lost. Even though the insurance company provided a rented house in their neighborhood, they could not leave. Both suffered shock, and relapses and flashbacks. They have taken baby steps to recover, and we have held each other often in tears. Telling each other, “You can do this, remember together we are stronger than fire.”

I could tell you story after story of things that happened in the last few months, which occurred with either individuals or in the fire, that would cause you to renew your faith in humanity and be sure that there was a God.  I still can’t believe some of them myself. But what has caused my heart to bursting with appreciation and excitement is the pouring out of love, assistance, and warmth we have received from so many people. I posted on social media about this tragedy and from time to time would post an immediate need, and within moments it was met.

We tried to furnish their rent house, which for a very long time was just a shell or a resting place. It was there should they need it in-between dropping my granddaughter off for school. They were not sleeping there because, up to a few days ago, my kids could not leave the comfort of this area, and my home.  Everyone, including myself, was having extreme separation anxiety, no one wants to be without the other. Slowly, we began to replace rented furniture with donated furniture. I was delighted the day I could bring shelves to their house so my granddaughter would have a place to store the many many books that people had replaced. The three-year-old has a more significant book collection than myself.  Reading is important in our lives, and my three-year-old granddaughter’s library that she has had in her three years of being contained over 700 books.  I know because I went into the burned house, donned with a respirator and pulled what was left of the books and took pictures of them. Now new books, sit on a shelf in a rented room, placed by tiny hands.  Thank you.

I’m always reminded, over the last several weeks, of all of this innocent child’s things that were “broken.”  The donated shelf that now sits in my granddaughter’s room holding her precious books is similar to the one that my mother gave me, and that my granddaughter’s best friend has in his house. We are finding emotional connections to things provided and placed in a shell that the kids are trying to call home until their home is torn down and rebuilt. The emotion is hard; there is just a void.

Some items donated and connections from this area also have this very strange spiritual thing about them. One night my daughter tells me she would like a bunk bed for my granddaughter when they can afford it. She describes it as a big bed on the bottom and a small on the top, and I try to picture it in my mind. The next morning there is a PM in my Facebook inbox. The owners of my dance studio, an incredible place where I often help with Salsa and Bachata classes, saw my post and wondered if I would like a children’s bedroom set. She sent a picture and yes… it was just like my daughter had indicated.  I cried, knowing how God was working through those in our neighborhood to answer even the unspoken wants of my kids. Thank you.

Even local companies have come to my kid’s aid. My daughter was elated when Joybird Houston recreated the couch that the kids purchased just a few months before the fire.  They delivered it last week.  This act of kindness has gone a long way to healing a weary but hopeful heart.

We have had people come with food, someone donated hiking shoes complete with little notes stuck in them from their children, and individuals have dropped by from the neighborhood and brought toys for my granddaughter, a crate for the new puppy, and always coming to aid for the furniture. Some neighbors even helped my daughter, and I dig plants from their yard, and power washes my granddaughter’s outside toys.  I’m surprised with all of the outpouring. I have loved my neighborhood for many, many years.

Breathing in friends new and old and caring.
Pusche

 

Random thoughts about the mind.

I’m studying diligently to find answers to regain my mojo concerning my work and to change the atmosphere around me. Here are some notes from my journal as I seek.

Every thought or idea causes a physiological reaction.

Nonverbal communication- my mind is affecting my body, and my body is affecting my mind.

Breath

Standing up tall is important. It is crucial for how you look and appear to others. Standing up tall will change how you feel about yourself, and it will help you breathe.

I have long known the importance of holding positive images in your mind. I have to look at the horrible situation around me as different. 

Every thought you have causes neurochemical changes, some temporary and some lasting. For instance, when people consciously practice gratitude, they get a surge of rewarding neurotransmitters, like dopamine, and experience a general alerting and brightening of the mind, probably correlated with more of the neurochemical norepinephrine.”

How Thoughts Change your Brain Cells’ and Genes. 

Pusche

This is not fun anymore- something must be done.

I feel like I’m in grade school and there is a gang that is trying to make my life impossible. They are talking about me and spreading rumors. I live with threats daily I have no idea why they are doing all of this when all I’m trying to do is live life, love and be creative.  Yep, that is what it feels like.

Difficulty with clients, vendors going under, meetings with lawyers and waiting on lawyers, losing thousands of dollars of income- this is just not fun anymore. This is supposed to be art. I’m supposed to be making a living while living a dream. The more I achieve with my art, the more convoluted it becomes. When did this happen? I’m fighting battles on so many fronts. With all that is transpiring, I hate it. I am quickly losing my mojo.  How can so many things be out of hand?

I hate when someone says. “I want to live with less drama.” I don’t like that because they are bringing focus to the drama and perpetuating it. But seriously, I don’t know what else to say. I want to live with less drama.

I have to focus differently. How can one strive for excellence or furthering their ability and have contentment where they are? Is this even possible?  I will document my passionate search for this. Another book is in the making. I will figure this out. Peace and loving what I do is my goal.

I have done a few things to help me.

MEDITATION
I must begin meditating.  Medication was a necessity because seriously everyone was pissing me off. My interns were getting on my nerves; vendors were making mistakes costing me money, clients are frustrated.  The energy that is around me is negative, and I can’t seem to get rid of it.

My huge job that the vendor went bankrupt on is leaving my company with more than a trickle-down effect it is more like Niagra falls.

Meditate.  I read the book 10% happier. I’m interested because the author is a high achieving reporter.  He appears to be asking the same questions as I. Is it possible to live in the world, to strive and be at peace and content where you are.  I am presently making the journey of discovery of my self a full-time deal. Even when I am sculpting, I’m listening to podcasts, videos et on meditation, the brain, consciousness. I will get through this.

AN NEW BOOK AND DOCUMENTATION
As I document this for a new book I once again do so with the ope that maybe one other person is in this same place and will get something out of this. Healing, hope.

SUPPORT GROUP
I have gathered strong women around me for counsel.  It is a team. My support is incredible—from an excellent female lawyer who is compassionate and understands and appreciates how crapy male lawyers can be to female clients because she has experienced it herself. To friends who tell you, “if you are threatened then take those threats to the very end of their possibilities. Research exactly what they mean what can happen to them. ”

These were wise words because once I did this, though the threats were incredible —meaning my entire business, and possibly my home might be lost, once I did this, they no longer had power over me.

A PRAYER PARTNER
I’m a spiritual person so getting support in the spiritual realm is important to my success. I contacted the best friend of my mom. My mom passed away several years ag, but I love this woman, and somehow this connection makes me feel connected to my mom. We pray weekly for all that is happening.

MY SPIRITUAL WORK
I have to get past my anger. I’ll let you know how this goes.
Right now I feel overwhelmed and confused, but I’m digging my way out of it.

Pusche