Month: August 2017

Meanwhile.

My daughter who had lost everything in a fire in February was extremely compassionate. “Mom, I can’t let this go. I have to help other people. I know how this feels.”  My entire family knew loss, we all knew how loss felt. From my kids to myself to my now four-year-old granddaughter. This “knowing” was used in many ways.  This “knowing” was not known until we all went through the dark period of the fire and losing everything. This knowledge came from the hours of flashbacks and tears and holding each other and the process of healing.  It came from trying to rebuild their lives for the last eight months. My daughter and son- in law took action. She and her husband drove to mosques, churches and community centers in her area and volunteered. They collected information from everywhere. They then tried to “connect” people and systems. Everyone was just making it up as they went along.  In this process I watched something miraculous happen.  I was beginning to see a pattern happen over and over again. Someone on social media or in person would express a need, and then very soon, sometimes within moments, an answer would come to meet that need. Often these were unrelated things that were matched by a willing heart and fit perfectly.

Willing hearts made connections.   All of this has to do with the principles that  I mentioned in this book. Individuals stepped out in faith with a willing heart and the desire to do. I call it God, some say the universe would bring those things together. I know that the electronic age has a lot to do with these connections, but more importantly, it was people who were willing to do things to help other people.

In a heated time of politics, it did not matter your faith, skin color, or political party. As one man from the mosque stated that when he was out on his boat, not one person that he rescued said they would rather wait for another boat with someone from another faith.

In my own little experiences, A childhood friend from my hometown in New York contacted me on my landline, something that never rings. She said she was listening to things on her radio station about the storm. After our conversation, I called the radio station and thanked them for their report. They put me on the air to talk about the storm. When I posted this on Facebook, a friend in Isreal said they were looking for someone to comment on an online show. They asked if I had electricity and would I be willing. I was. We did the segment, and I forgot about it. Later I found out there was an Israeli family who was also going to be on the show. They were living in Houston but bugged out, and a boat came to rescue them. I was able to find them on Facebook, I offered my two bedrooms, but they had found an apartment.  And because of what I went through with my daughter’s fire I suggested she go on to Amazon and make a wish list of things her family of five needed and wanted.  Israelis met these needs from the other side of the world. Then this new friend posted she needed a couch. I assume there was no furniture in this apartment as I saw a video of them leaving their home, they lost everything. She said she had money and wanted to buy a new couch. Knowing it was labor day I was certain there were a lot of sales, but while posting these sales, I found that a major furniture company donated their overflow items to the Houston furniture bank. I contacted her immediately. She got a brand new sleeper sofa at a great price.

When I saw bags of clothes coming into shelters, the picture of it threw me back to the trauma of helping my kids during their fire. Just after their fire as we donned respirators and boots and went into the very toxic and dangerous house to comb through ash and find what things we could, well-meaning neighbors brought bags of clothes. They knew the sizes of the family as I asked my daughter and passed it on to a friend who passed it on to social media. Some well-meaning people tossed these bags into my van. I appreciated it all, but for me it was overwhelming. There was so much to take care of, and the emotional health of my children was first. Still, my son-in-law jumped out the window in his underwear. He had no clothes.  My daughter and granddaughter had only the clothes on their backs. I remember a great family friend said he had many bags of clothes as well.   Again, the many blessings found through the fire tragedy back then were continuous. You just had to open your eyes to them. I’m not sure my kids could see them all as clearly as they were in shock and just putting one foot in front of the other.  But they did later. This small organizational technique of sorting clothes sat with my daughter and followed her into the destruction by Harvey. Many people in many facilities sat as overwhelmed as I was but on a larger scale with piles of donations. My daughter went to work organizing everything. Posting papers on walls with sizes and putting volunteers to work sorting. She acted on what she knew to do and then before you knew it, more was set up for her to do and people were being sent to her to help. Her organizational skills and her willingness to work caused her make connections that she would not otherwise have.  As she proceeded to find a collection area for more than just clothes, but also food, water, first aid, cleaning equipment and necessities. She reported to me that within days she had helicopters, planes and semi trucks along with army trucks waiting to take supplies to hard-hit areas that were cut off.  When she had no supplies, soon people were calling her and had things that were coming. They were coming in large box trucks, school buses and Rv’s. It was a miraculous thing to see. And I know this helping helped heal her from her trauma. I would listen how she would talk to others. They would come in and say some people were more deserving than they. She would say she knew about such loss and such feelings and persuaded them to take more than what they would normally. She knew their hearts; she knew their fears, she knew the fog because she lived it.

Grief for your circumstance is a heavy thing to carry.  The connection to grief, once on the other side, is wisdom and compassion. Wisdom and compassion are two very powerful things. I have watched as my daughter has worked through her grief and even her guilt. Unlike Hurricane Harvey which no one had control over and that came and destroyed without cause by a person, my daughter lit a candle that burned her house down. That fire almost took the life of her husband and did take the life of her family pet. The grief and guilt she had to work through were tremendous.  Just after the fire, a stranger posted to her that she had gone through the same thing with her family. Their home had also burned down.  She gave her some suggestions, told her what to expect next, and confirmed some of the feelings that my daughter was having.  She then said, “Remember you are stronger than fire, you will get through this.”  The sentence resonated with both of us. It brought me to tears. It was written on my daughter’s shirt when she jogged in her first 5k not long after the fire. She intended to do with her now deceased dog. A friend ran with her for support.  It was her first run ever. After Harvey, we added We Are Stronger than Fire and Water.

Grief, though it feels very lonely when you are in it, is universal. Finding someone who can listen to your experience, who understands and has experienced some of the things you have experienced will help you walk the path of grief. When possible, combine grief with gratitude.  Think of all the things you are thankful for as it is coupled with this grief. Is it the loss of the loved one? Then think of all that you shared and gained. Is it the loss of business? Think of all that you have gained and learned. Is it the loss of your home? Be thankful for the memories shared in the home, be thankful you had a place to lay your head, and be thankful for those who are helping you rebuild your life.  If you can walk along, with and through grief, it brings the gifts of hope, wisdom, and compassion.

I marvel at my daughter. She took her tears, her anger, her fears, her thoughts and put them down into words. The blog became a cathartic place, and she hoped that someone else would read it and feel hope. Many read it and cry.  One hiking buddy said she wanted to share it with her friend because her friend was describing some of the same feelings. I asked, “did their home burn down?” “No,” she replied. Her husband committed suicide and left her alone with two children. My heart skipped a beat.  Your willingness to walk through your pain and get to the other side using mindfulness and healing and acceptance of yourself can make a huge difference in yourself and the world. Walking through grief can be difficult. Working through any devastation can feel impossible. But time and time again I have seen it turned into healing for so many more than just the person suffering.  I have heard it said by many, “It was a difficult way to go, but I would not trade it. It has taught me so much and made me into the person I am today.”  I have said it of myself. I came  from a childhood with a family filled with addiction. The healing and transformation of those involved in my past is an entire story in itself. That time in my life was hard, but it made me who I am today.

During a dinner in the midst of the relief efforts, my daughter reported the miraculous things that had been happening to her. She had wanted to write a book about her experience with the fire.  I looked at her at dinner and was amazed and excited at her stories. I said, this, this is the book. Not just that you went through something so horrific and how you pulled yourself out, but how that prepared you to help others as you would never have before. She told the dining audience about how she would feel the need for a place, it would be in her heart and she would stop and think about it. People even commented about how “Your daughter was doing that thing.”  Then, the connections came to her and action took place. Things would begin to come together to help that area, and it all started with a thought toward something. It was a willing heart followed by action. I told her, “When you write this you must tell people that what happened to you, though it feels miraculous, is not new. Anyone can obtain it. The principle of this experience is simple.  It is stating a need and desire, being quiet and sensitive to those things around you, going after it with a clear heart and purpose, then those things that you need, come to you. It is a principle that anyone can use. If you add compassion to this mix-make it something you are doing for someone else, it is all the more stronger. Look at the miracles done by Jesus in the bible. Most were sparked by compassion.  I have no doubt we will see her book, Stronger Than Fire and Water published, maybe even before this one.

Marveling at human compassion
Pusche

Notes from my book:

I did entertain getting a “bug out” bag ready and perhaps protecting a few things in the house. The night of the heavy rains I put my computer on my end table, instead of against the vulnerable floorboards. I was exhausted, and at one point during waking, I slipped my foot out of my bed and placed it on the floor to see if it was wet. When it felt nothing but the shaggy rug, I stuck it back under the sheets. I would check out the rest of the house in the morning. I was lucky, in many homes water rose fast. People who did what I have done in storms have lost their lives. I had forgotten until a neighbor down the street told me that she thought she did not get any water, but upon further investigation, she realized that the builder of our neighborhood “floated” the floors on 2 x 4 ’s over the concrete slab. Therefore water could come in, and you would not know. I did not flood, the water came 1/2 way up into my yard, and those on lower ground at the end of the street did flood, but in my immediate vicinity it dissipated before it got to my house.

My studio suffered some damage in the storage area. I climbed up for the further investigation of my studio roof after discovering some huge indoor puddles. In doing so, I created a beautiful ‘butt’ size skylight, from my shocking discovery of a soft spot. It was that moment, I realized, I needed a new roof. But, compared to the rest of Houston, my damage was minor. I did what others were doing in every neighborhood for many miles. I went through all my belongings. I was a lucky one, without having 4 -6 or 12 feet of water and just puddles I could sort through belongings. Other neighbors were taking their entire life and memories and putting them to the curb. Piles of trash were so high that a group trying to make light and have fun with the tragedy created a video performing ‘One Day More’ from Le Mis. Complete with climbing the trash heap and waving the Texas flag. The rest of Houston, it is a vast city, one of the fourth largest, continued to suffer long after the storm passed. I have neighbors on my street who have taken out their floors and drywall. Harvey destroyed many, many homes. Add to this, that molds proliferate in our climate and the unhealthy conditions grow with it.

I remember Linder talking about having to let water out of the reservoirs. For those that don’t know, these reservoirs are a large bowl like areas filled with grass. They are typically dry and used as parks. But because of Harvey, they were full of rain. Holding water is what they are meant to do. But there was so much water they were overflowing. It probably didn’t help things, in my opinion, that for Houston to grow as much as it did, it paved paradise and put up houses and condos. Wetlands, meant to hold water, now hold homes. “Homes must be sacrificed downstream,” Linder reported. My home is a bit north of downstream and during the storm I posted on Facebook that I was concerned. “Why?” A friend on Facebook asked. You have never flooded before, and you are much further north than I. I said, “Harvey has stalled in the Gulf of Mexico, three things could happen, storm surge, reservoir release, and more rain, and if these occur in conjunction, we must be ready.” I must also note that these reservoirs are not the only way for water to get to the bay. All around Houston there are streams, rivers, lakes, and bayous that bring water to the gulf. Some things flood on a regular basis. The closest bayou to my home was three miles away. It was well out of its banks, and every street flooded in between. It is all about water flow. If other water is moving to the bay, then water from our Bayou can’t get out. Storm surge—Harvey could push water up the bay, as hurricanes often do. It is called storm surge. Storm surge kills many people during a storm, sometimes more than the actual hurricane. There is a very eerie picture of the Bolivar Peninsula after Hurrican Ike in 2008. Every house is gone but one. When you see it, you are bound to think this is a retouched photograph. I did. The owner rebuilt his home after Hurricane Rita in 2005. The house was rebuilt to sit 14 feet above the ground and 22 feet above sea level. ( According to an online app, my Houston home approximately 78 miles north of Bolivar, 60 miles from Galveston and just 33 miles from the bay. It is just 72.5 feet above sea level. These numbers let you know how flat Houston is. ) Storm surge can come fast and catch many people unprepared. And besides water, it brings debris, alligators, snakes, fire ants, dead animals and dead people. Also, remember storm surge water can move fast. It is nothing to take lightly.

The second thing to take into consideration was the reservoirs. As I talked to my friend, I was determining if I would flood in a home that I have lived in for 35 years and has never flooded. To the northwest of the bay, Houston officials were determining that two reservoirs must have water released. The water must get to the bay anyway it can. Sometimes this “emptying or release of water” meant streets were used as conduits when bayous were full. The other great concern was it was still raining. The city of Houston is in-between these two critical junctions between the reservoirs and the bay. Officials were already reporting that if they did not do a “controlled release” out of the reservoirs and somehow there is a breach, it would be catastrophic for all involved. It was hard to understand how the event could be any more catastrophic than it already had become. The reservoirs were opened and released 10,000 cubic feet of water onto our streets. We waited, and I thanked God that Harvey did not push water up the bay, and thanked God again that the rain lessened.

Harvey passed, the sun came out, and many residents felt relief, but still many homes were flooded long after Harvey was gone. Flooding was because of this release, rising waters and creeks from the north and all of it wanting to get past Houston and to the bay. In many cases, these were homes that have never flooded before.

HBO’s “The Houston Homes Sacrificed after Harvey” features Dan Cho. He lived in his home for 40 years and built it. It never flooded. I listened to the interview about how his home was sacrificed maybe for the safety of others. The man, as he is interviewed in waders with water up to his hips in his front yard and yet he says, if this perhaps saved others, then maybe it was worth it.” I’m in awe of this man. “ After all god loaned it to me while I’m here.” Sept 7, 2017. How many others would break down with despair at all that they lost that was theirs. Officials declared that water in these homes might sit for weeks, as of this writing some home have water in them for 13 days. They warned that standing water in a home for extended periods of time could compromise the structural integrity of the home

Harvey- 1
Excerpt from the new book-

You will see in previous chapters I have written about the Zen of business and carving a creative life. I have experienced the Zen and the incredible aspects about the subconscious and the tools of which I have written. I know the blessings of the universe as some would call it, though in my personal life’s journey I refer to it as God. I know that the principles in this book work. I have seen people have success by using these tools. It has happened time and time again, but today my heart is heavy. I can’t think of business. My acknowledgments and affirmations feel like long ago whisper instead of firm resolve. My meditation is not a planned event like it usually is, but instead, because I know how much meditation helps and breathing helps, I simply take a moment when I feel the stress or frustration and say, “This is a good time to take three deep breaths.”

Sometimes you find you are in the midst of something so much bigger than yourself that just putting one foot in front of the other is all you can do. I know there will be times, in the lives of the readers of this book, that they will suffer devastation in one shape or another. It may be a business loss; it may be the death of a loved one, it may be a traumatic world event or an individual assault. It may be a natural disaster, or it may be something that you are responsible for, and you find yourself stuck in a mode of unforgiveness.

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.”

 No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” Dali llama

When you are in the midst of tragedy you often feel anything but strong. I don’t feel this tragedy alone. 13 million people who try to recover from the devastation of a tropical storm Harvey that the news describes as the “Biggest rainstorm in the continental United States also feel it. “ Meteorologist Jeff Lindner with the Harris County Flood control district. On August, 29th tweeted “one trillion gallons of rainfall has fallen in Harris County over four days which would run Niagara Falls for 15 days. “Houston’s average rainfall is 49.7 inches of rain a year. Harvey brought 51.8 inches in a few days. The news reports that the measurement of rain was over 4 feet, in gauges around the city. I write from the center of Houston. I’d like to tell you how many days it is after the storm but as a meme on Facebook states “People in Houston don’t know what day it is.” This meme is right. I don’t know what day it is.

The frantic prep of a hurricane is enough to set one on edge. Knowing we would not get the winds since Hurricane Harvey was coming in the southwest of Houston I did not need to do the tedious and exhausting task of boarding up windows. I did prep by securing clean water, getting a generator out and working, and buckled down to what I thought would be a productive writing stint. Wrong.

For those who don’t know about hurricanes let me enlighten you. Each hurricane has what meteorologists refer to as a “dirty side.” The dirty side is usually the right side. What happened to Houston during Harvey is that there was high pressure from the north and high pressure from the west that acted like two big hands holding it in place. Though Harvey came into Houston’s left, we sat on the dirty side for a very long time before Harvey then went back out into the Gulf of Mexico and came back in again closer to Houston.

It was an anxious anticipation of what might happen. Having a hot spot on my phone, thank you AT&T, and an HD antenna in my attic, combined with electricity and a prepped generator kept me connected. Instead of working on this book I spent my writing time posting on my Facebook page about the news I was watching, the evacuation notices, and tornado warnings. I posted about the rising waters, and my feed turned from pictures of my art and writing to a feed of information that people told me was especially helpful. Many people had no television or electricity and only their phones. I kept in touch with friends who were on their roofs waiting for evacuation. I posted websites where people could list their evacuation need and where others who had boats could assist. My job turned into sitting in a chair and “sharing, ” and I had no idea how important that simple task in social media was, until this disaster. If you are in a disaster or know someone who is, simply hitting the button titled “share” and sharing the posts of needs on your feed, and making them public is a great way to spread the word and help others. There is great power in this resource.

Meanwhile, I watched the water rise in my yard, thankful for a two story studio and that my x husband asked me to store his canoe. I thought about purchasing a dry bag, a type of bag that you take canoeing or kayaking. I would save copies of all my important documents and then take it, should I need to bug out. I, as writers do, thought about the many books I had in the process. Where they all backed up? Was this book that I nearly finished backed up, and would that back up be safe in flood should I have to bug out? For an author, their books are their babies.

To be continued
Breathing between raindrops and sorrow
Pusche