Over the past few months, I have thought a lot about what I do. Is it the work that is causing my lungs to shut down? Since pneumonia, I am working, but I’m working slowly, and I don’t have the same energy, the same breath that I did before. Will this work that I have worked so hard for, one day become too much for me to do? I have thought of the many ways that I can modify my workload and how that looks. I think of my dad. I remember when he told me that he gave away all of his tools because one day he got down on the floor to do something and could not get back up again. But dad was older, and he wasn’t working so very hard at exercise and health as I am now. I think giving up sculpting really sucks if I have come to this place where my career is taking off, but maybe, just maybe, I have been thinking, maybe God has something else in store for me, something better then I would never move to had sculpting not been taken off the table. So instead of being worried that this love of my life may one day have to be left behind, I’m looking with anticipation to what wonderous journey and new direction God will send me on, and in the meantime, I’m savoring all of the sculpting that I am doing.
People greet me and see how my body has changed because of my dedication to the workouts and the new lifestyle eating habits, and they compliment me saying I look good. You mean, I joke, accept for this tube in my nose.
Some moments in the day I feel I am getting better, and then I start coughing and can’t stop, and I think, will I cough to death right here. Will this be the moment I lose my life? It sounds dramatic, but I have thought these things on more than one occasion. If I had a pain in my side, say a reoccurring thing that I thought I might need to get checked out, then I would have time. But a cough or a ceasing of breath, well how long do you actually have? Do I have time to unlock the door and call an ambulance? Do I have time for the ambulance to get here? How long can I go without breath and come out on the other end without brain damage? These are the things I think. I have had two friends who have died alone in this way.
The second opinion pulmonologist at UT has taken away the term idiopathic from the diagnosis of Interstitial lung disease. This new diagnosis I assume takes my 3-5 years to live off of the table. That first diagnosis had thrown me for a loop. Today, when I heard the speech of Jack Bailey, I was so impressed, and I cried.It made me think of so much. I related to his diagnosis and want to live, but at the same time I thought he is only 18- I’m 57. If there are only a certain amount of years allocated, and I could give mine up to someone else, I’d give mine to him. Sure I have more I want to do, I want to be with my daughter and granddaughter, but I have lived a long life.
I have always said that I have done more because of those who have come before me. Thank you to all of those who lifted me up.
When I die, I hope people will remember me in ways that this young man talks about. Striving valiantly and having great devotion to strive to dare greatly!
Daring Greatly,
Pusche
Give me moral strength. Don’t let me give up, even if this upcoming journey will be difficult.
“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else’s hands, but not you.” Jim Rohn
Help me to be “Galant be great, be gracious, and be grateful for the opportunities that I have. ”
“Let’s be passionately dedicated to short-term goals. Forget about long-term dreams lets be passionately dedicated to short-term goals—micro ambitious. Work with passion and pride with what is in front of us. We don’t know where we might end up or when it might end up. ” Jake Bailey
Through my entire life, I have always seen the possibilities. I meet people, and they may struggle, but I can see their potential and all of their possibilities. In my own life, I often wake up and expect incredible things to happen. I remember in the 70’s there was a saying “Expect a Miracle.” That is an ingrained thing in me.
This expecting possibilities is interesting. Of course, I do a lot of work to make things happen in my life. I don’t just sit back and say, “Alright now, I’m ready-God, bless me.” No, I have several irons in the fire, I’m active in stirring things up, and frankly, I just believe great things are going to happen, and they do.
My life is so absolutely full. Really it is. It is never boring. When I call my sister on the phone I’ll ask her what is happening, and she says a few things, but then I spend 45 minutes relaying what is happening in my life. There might be a new commission or a possibility of one or this great lesson learned, or some marketing or publicity that I’m doing. My life is truly full and exciting.
I hear people say to me, “I don’t see you dying from this. I see you getting better.” And I think, “from your mouth to God’s ears.” But it is time for me to see the health possibilities. I have worked so hard at my diet and my commitment to exercise that I must channel that feeling of possibilities into my health as well as my everyday life.