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After my first marriage of 15 years ended, I remember I went to the hall closet, it was his closet for his clothes. He had come and moved his things out. There were a few Playboy magazines on the floor along with some other trash. I looked at the closet and thought, how will I use this? Then I painted the inside of the closet. Then I painted the hall, and it went on from there. I remember telling a friend that I felt the way I did when my daughter was born. You know that nesting instinct, that desire to clean everything including the crisper drawer.  “ahh” my friend said, “You are peeing in the corners. You are marking your territory.” Yes, that is exactly what I did.

I could not wait for this second marriage to end. It had been lingering for so long. I could not wait for him to move out and then I could being to pee in the corners. Making my mark this time was different. My second husband had what I call Asperger tendencies. He did not like clutter or things on the wall, so over the years of marriage, things came down. My walls were bare.  That is not me. My dad left me several paintings. I gave my daughter one of the best ones. But the rest I began to hang up in my house. My walls now have paintings. My husband did not like change, so I immediately moved my furniture around. I purchased a new/old rocker and made a quaint reading place, and I placed wooden hiking sticks, mine and my granddaughter’s in the corner of the den like talesman. My goal is to get plates from each of the places I go and put them on the walking stick. Apparently, that is a thing, and I am excited to do it. I also own hiking poles that I like better than walking with a stick but I love the idea of a stick covered in symbols of my adventures.

I have purchased electric candles scattered in bunches throughout the house. They are on timers and greet me when I come in at night. It is my way of saying. I love you, I’m thinking of you and you deserve something special.

So, I am peeing in corners once again, and I love it.  I also went into his room and painted. Boy did I paint, I painted and spruced the master suite and made it so pretty. You would think I would move in there, but I’m partial to the other side of the house and have entertained the idea of renting the space. At least I’m getting it ready to do that. It looks great.

Continuing to mark my territory.

Pusche

I have always loved going into the woods. I grew up in the north even though I have lived most of my life in the south. We regularly camped in the Allegheny mountains as a child. My favorite plants are those from the woods. I wonder if gardening is nature or nurture. I long to grow those plants from the north that I just can’t grow down here. Bleeding hearts, cinnamon fern, paper lanterns, and others bring back a flood of natural emotion. Ferns and moss make my heart sing. As a child, I would play near any creek or stream. I didn’t mind going during colder months. I loved to treck through the snow and looked for tracks and scat.
In this rebirthing of myself, hiking was a part of me that I wanted to explore. But being single I wondered how?

It was quite easy. There are many meet up groups that hike. The difficulty for me was, could I hike as far as they could go? So, I simply developed my own inner-city woman’s hiking group. I became the webmaster. No, that is not someone who creates the website, but the person who leads the hike and takes down all of the spider webs in the early morning for the ladies following behind. I purchased camel backs to hold water, and hiking poles to help my ankles. My women loved hiking, and I enjoyed the inner city trek in the back trails. Hiking became my thing, though helping with dance instruction twice a week and leading hikes I had to be careful to space the exercise out and save my ankles.

The point of this post is to remind you that if you want to do something, if you find something that feeds your soul, you can find a way to do it. I met some incredible women who were tribal women through this adventure. I guess that is also a thing. If you want to friend tribal women,  you must go where they go.

Take a hike!
Love, Pusche

It was November 2016. I would be turning 56, and I had never lived alone. I had roommates when I left at 15 years of age. I had my daughter after the first divorce, and therefore I had never gone solo. It was really surprising to me, at one point, I had such trepidation over the idea of joining this pack of single women. I remembered my younger self and thought, “You divorced once before and had the care of another human being entrusted to you. She depended on you and at times was a handful. You had a mortgage and an art career.” I look back on that younger me and think that she was the brave one. I remember all those years ago I went to a counselor and asked her, “How will I ever do this.” And her reply was, “You just will.” That sounds so simple, and some might find such an answer to be trite, but she was right. I just did.

One voice that was in my head the entire time that I was preparing for this new stage in life and the end of this marriage was, “What happens if there is a disaster? What happens if there is a hurricane or something else and you are left alone trying to figure it out? What will you do?” The thought at that time paralyzed me, but wholeness, and days filled with happiness and not grief, or the feeling or marital worthlessness, was worth the jump. I just told myself, I’d get by. No, I would do more than “get by,” I WOULD THRIVE! I had my daughter and friends. I would be fine. I start this blog a year and a half after the divorce was final. I am going back to the beginning. As you read on you will see what I have come through has been more than I could have feared. My children’s home burned down, and they lost everything in the spring of 2017. I’m writing from Houston, and I rode out Hurricane Harvey alone in the fall of 2017. A vendor went under in the middle of the largest project of my life and caused me huge financial hardships, and you will soon read about the health issues that ensued.

All of that, it was like the heavens said, “Let’s see how strong you are?” I did it. I did it by surrounding myself with powerful women to counsel me and build me up. I did it with prayer and putting one foot in front of the other. I did it and though some of it was gut-wrenchingly hard. I grew in more ways than I could have imagined. I’m a stronger and better person because of what I went through.

I also am happy to say. I love living alone. My life, my decorating, everything is mine. As a woman who has been wife and mother for a very long time, I am delighted with this part of being single.

Single and loving it,
Pusche