Breathing In Life

I feel like I’m in grade school and there is a gang that is trying to make my life impossible. They are talking about me and spreading rumors. I live with threats daily I have no idea why they are doing all of this when all I’m trying to do is live life, love and be creative.  Yep, that is what it feels like.

Difficulty with clients, vendors going under, meetings with lawyers and waiting on lawyers, losing thousands of dollars of income- this is just not fun anymore. This is supposed to be art. I’m supposed to be making a living while living a dream. The more I achieve with my art, the more convoluted it becomes. When did this happen? I’m fighting battles on so many fronts. With all that is transpiring, I hate it. I am quickly losing my mojo.  How can so many things be out of hand?

I hate when someone says. “I want to live with less drama.” I don’t like that because they are bringing focus to the drama and perpetuating it. But seriously, I don’t know what else to say. I want to live with less drama.

I have to focus differently. How can one strive for excellence or furthering their ability and have contentment where they are? Is this even possible?  I will document my passionate search for this. Another book is in the making. I will figure this out. Peace and loving what I do is my goal.

I have done a few things to help me.

MEDITATION
I must begin meditating.  Medication was a necessity because seriously everyone was pissing me off. My interns were getting on my nerves; vendors were making mistakes costing me money, clients are frustrated.  The energy that is around me is negative, and I can’t seem to get rid of it.

My huge job that the vendor went bankrupt on is leaving my company with more than a trickle-down effect it is more like Niagra falls.

Meditate.  I read the book 10% happier. I’m interested because the author is a high achieving reporter.  He appears to be asking the same questions as I. Is it possible to live in the world, to strive and be at peace and content where you are.  I am presently making the journey of discovery of my self a full-time deal. Even when I am sculpting, I’m listening to podcasts, videos et on meditation, the brain, consciousness. I will get through this.

AN NEW BOOK AND DOCUMENTATION
As I document this for a new book I once again do so with the ope that maybe one other person is in this same place and will get something out of this. Healing, hope.

SUPPORT GROUP
I have gathered strong women around me for counsel.  It is a team. My support is incredible—from an excellent female lawyer who is compassionate and understands and appreciates how crapy male lawyers can be to female clients because she has experienced it herself. To friends who tell you, “if you are threatened then take those threats to the very end of their possibilities. Research exactly what they mean what can happen to them. ”

These were wise words because once I did this, though the threats were incredible —meaning my entire business, and possibly my home might be lost, once I did this, they no longer had power over me.

A PRAYER PARTNER
I’m a spiritual person so getting support in the spiritual realm is important to my success. I contacted the best friend of my mom. My mom passed away several years ag, but I love this woman, and somehow this connection makes me feel connected to my mom. We pray weekly for all that is happening.

MY SPIRITUAL WORK
I have to get past my anger. I’ll let you know how this goes.
Right now I feel overwhelmed and confused, but I’m digging my way out of it.

Pusche

 

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have had more problems with this vendor than I would care to remember.  Every time I would go to the foundry I would end up so sick because they would be threatening to charge me more. More money was already added to their additional bid. I’m stuck here, and I have to just bide my time. They were supposed to have the project done by a certain date, and I received a call a few weeks ago saying that they could not meet the deadline. I know my clients were going to be pissed, but frankly, after what we have been through with my kids and losing their home and family pet in a fire, it is just art.  I told my client the foundry would do a good job and they could have an additional party and celebration when the sculpture came. They were not happy. What was I to do?   Well, then I was searching the internet and discovered a story from the paper in their area saying my vendor is going under and there is a chance that the IRS may seize their property, which means my property. This is a monumental sculpture and not something I can walk away with.  I have done what needed to be done as a businesswoman. I found someone who came and helped me get my art out of there.  It was a mess. I drove the 877 miles while I was recovering from Pneumonia.  I did it. But I get a sense there is more trouble ahead with this project.  Please God no. I have just lost 80,000. Don’t let it be worse than that. No stress, I am a strong woman. I am stronger than fire and stronger than a vendor going bankrupt.  I now know the trickle down effect of such a disaster.  I will do this.

Pusche

I have heard of the Ides of March, but apparently, I have another special day in March—March  28th. I went to the doctor today. I just could not handle a cough.  She said I had walking pneumonia. When  I went to check out, the women there had to take a second look. I was apparently there on the same day at the same time last year for the same thing.  So here we go again. Another round of antibiotics, and steroids.  I just barely get over this stuff, still coughing and maintaining.  I thought fall season was my bad time as I lose my voice and cough and can’t sing Christmas Carols,  but apparently, I have two bad seasons.  I’m going to lick this thing. The sculpture should be done at the foundry soon and placed. I’m holding on to that. I can’t wait for this to be over as the stress with this vendor is making me sick.  Waiting for the confirmation of when I need to go and approve all the metal and schedule delivery.  I hate to leave my kids, but I’m glad they are staying at my house while I’m away.

It may be a bit of a struggle but I’m still breathing in life.

Pusche