Breathing In Life

I don’t know when I realized that what this first loan camping trip was doing was a sort of test drive for the rest of my life. I would face whatever came, I would explore and be adventurous, and I would forge and test my life skills and limitations.

Things can go wrong; preparation will help with these things. Have a first aid kit, meds, and “the essential 10” when you hike. Let someone know where you are either by phone or putting a note in your car on your dashboard. While in Palo Duro Canyon in the Panhandle of Texas the day I was supposed to leave I woke early that morning with severe stomach pains. Stomach pain is not something unusual for me. In the last few years, I was diagnosed with a condition that flares up from time to time. (CVS) Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome causes severe stomach cramps. Think similar to labor, with cramping every 5 minutes, accompanied by repetitive vomiting. Apparently, this condition is associated with people who have migraines, though a migraine has never accompanied my episodes.

What brings it on? Sometimes stress. It can be happy or sad stress. What was I stressed about? The job I just delivered and the vendor I was working with was a nightmare. Every turn they were trying to charge me more money and making my life miserable. I went through three managers at this vendor during this process, and this last one made me sick. Then a long time intern at the studio walked off the job while I was away. She was a friend as well as an intern, and later I realized she had to make it personal and a scene to be able to leave. But I thought of her as more than an employee she was like a daughter, and it caused me great stress. And the final straw was that the man I had just divorced, who I had let live in the house for a few more weeks until the closing of his house, was caught bringing a woman to my house while I was away. Thank you, Ring Doorbell with video capture. It was one drama after another. And this was my retreat and rest time.

Stress can bring on an episode of CVS. When it comes, there is nothing anyone can do. Before I was diagnosed, I thought I just had rotten luck with food poisoning. The doctor gave me migraine medicine to take, as a shot, but there is a very narrow window of opportunity to take it during an episode. I prepared, knowing that having the end of a stressful job, continued difficulty with the vendor and the end of a 19-year marriage might be a trigger. I brought the syringe. Unfortunately, I had unknowingly packed an empty vile of medicine. I took a pill orally hoping I would be able to keep it down long enough for it to work. My biggest concern- I had incredible spot deep in the canyon of Palo Duro. I had hoped I could extend my stay as I loved it there. It was not something to experience in the summer months and can be dangerous, but I loved my stay. However, when I called the park was booked, and I would need to vacate my space by 2:00 p.m. I went through various scenarios in my head. How I could pack up, where would I go that would have electricity? This is still the middle of the dessert, and I will need a fan at least. Most CVS episodes last 24 hours and leave me feeling wrung out.

All this started at 4:30 a.m.. I even got up in those wee hours and began to pack the campsite, knowing I would soon be incapacitated. I prepped for my own needs; kitchen washtub became a bucket to toss my cookies into, water was nearby, though I would not be able to drink anything. I had my phone in case of emergency with reception, thank you AT&T. I texted my daughter to let her know and tried to sleep between the pain and vomiting. At 8:30a.m. I called the ranger station and asked if I could talk to the camp host. Every state park has a camp host, and I made it a point to introduce myself to each everywhere I stopped. I had met Bryan and his wife a few days earlier.

The ranger notified the camp host, and he visited. I would have liked it better if I could have talked to him on the phone. I did not want to come out of my van, and I certainly could not invite him in. Plus, the flies at Palo Duro are so bad during the day; I could not imagine talking through the door and inviting those into my sick bed. I stepped out in my PJs and told him I only had the campsite for the day and was supposed to leave at 2:00. I asked him if there was a place I could go because I would soon not be able to drive. Preferably a place where I can have electricity. I gave him the rundown, embarrassing as it is. “Please don’t call 911 no matter what anyone hears from this van.” It is violent and painful, but it will go away. The only thing I need to be careful of is dehydration. I will also get very weak, so I am unsure I did my best but I don’t think I can pick up what is left to pack before I have to leave at 2:00,” He interrupted, “I can help you. But, let me see if I can get you this site for another night.” I looked confused, “It is impossible, I checked, they are booked.” But he walked away and after I went into my van to wrench one more time he came back and said, “You have another night. ”

What magic and special powers do camp hosts have in state parks? I can’t believe it. Very soon after our conversation, I started to feel better. I think the stress of just having to leave, pack up and also drive was adding to the stress of the condition. It can often be brought on by stress, and though I was in a wonderfully relaxing canyon, chilling, there has been a great deal of stress in my life that was also reinforced by having cell phone reception and being able to get nasty texts.

I slept in the van with the fan blowing until it was unbearable and I knew I had to venture outside. This was 11:45 in the morning and I was surprised how hot I was because I had just had the electric blanket taking off the chill and shiver that comes from some of these episodes. ( Thank God for state parks with electricity.)

Before sleeping. I also called the reservation line as I had made reservations for two other campsites along my way. I was unsure how bad this episode would be and if I would be able to make it. Usually, there is a forfeit of your deposit on a campsite if you do not call within 72 hours. I wanted to call on both because I did not know what would happen. Again the state park came through. I told them of my condition, and they waved the fee as a one-time courtesy. I would have paid; When I am in that much pain, I will do anything. I just need to take care of business.

I thought I might try some oatmeal and knew I had to get fluids in me. This canyon on a good day without exercise can play havoc with a body. Just as I was emerging from my cocoon, the ranger drove up, introduced himself and checked on me. I apologized for taking up the space that I was initially told was reserved, and he said no problem. Just check in at the ranger station when I leave.

I’m thrilled with how I have been treated through this episode. Will having this episode and collapsing in a canyon dissuade me from camping alone in the future? No, absolutely not. I’ll just be more prepared, bring my meds, and make sure I say hi to the camp host, or know where they are and feel confident with my choices of stay. Plus as time goes on and I move into my own and discovering more of who I am I know the stress will leave.

State parks, at least Texas state parks rock. The rangers rock, the host’s rock. Thank you, Palo Duro. You fed my soul and helped me to take care of my body.

I made it through so many CVS episodes alone while living in a house with a man. This was no different. In fact, I had more support from these strangers.

You can do this!
Pusche

While tending my campground a woman in her 70’s walk by carrying a toy poodle. “Are you camping alone?” She asks as she walks past my van.  I’m not sure, but she seemed to be looking at my space with this sort of longing. “Yes Mame,” I reply.

“I used to have a set up similar to this when I was young. I loved it. “I’m no longer alone, and now I camp in an RV.”  I tell her it is nice to meet her, but I wish she would have stayed, and told me more of her stories.  I think of her often. These simple words seem to give me permission and approval, not that I needed any, but I felt an instant camaraderie with her.

Feeling so good about my decision and hope I can do this more in my life.

Pusche

I have been preparing for this for a while. It is the debut of the person I have longed to know, the person I have always wanted to be, and I didn’t even know it. I stepped out into the new adventure that was, at times, intimidating, but I had been preparing for it both physically and emotionally for years. I began to see her emerge slowly, a tribal woman, strong, independent. I used to look at single females like they were an exotic animal on the Serengeti. I observed them like a National Geographic documentary. In the grocery store, I could hear the commentary, “See the strong stature of this species foraging for food.” I watched them in social situations, “These incredibly independent strain does not require a mate to make them feel whole or secure. They are secure by being. “ I have been studying them for a while. I studied them because I knew I was going to be one, and if I were turning into this, I would embrace it with fervor.

If you believe in numerology, Not saying that I do, but I think the number 15 is strange in my life. I left home when I was 15. My first marriage to the father of my daughter ended after 15 years, and my last marriage ended at 19. What, you ask? Then where is the 15? Well, we knew it was over at 15. But we waited because the time was never right for him as he was focusing on grad school. I spent four years preparing for this, and probably began intellectually and emotionally preparing for it before that 15 years. My heart broke the day I heard the song, “Say something I’m giving up on you.” I sent it to him, and later told him it made me sad because it made me think of us, and his comment was, “ I can’t deal with this right now. “ And there you go. But, I am an extremely hopeful person, and in marriage, I was hopeful to a fault. Until one day you realize that it consumes a lot of energy to love someone that has no desire to fight for you or your relationship. It takes a lot out of a person to grieve for so many, many years. You must decide for yourself, and that began my independence, and my “National Geographic “ investigation into this wild and wonderful woman.
In the years before the marriage ended as we both went our ways, living in the same house, I took up dance. Three years later I was a dance assistant and enjoying the exercise, camaraderie and brain stimulation that dance provided. It also had the added benefit of touch. As I told my husband, my patience with him waiting to divorce through grad school and my need for human touch was satiated by those in the dance community. Without it, the pain of no touch would have been unbearable, and I would have pushed the divorce quicker. He knew this.

I was also entering a new stage of my life. I was also interested in reclaim pieces of me that I had lost. For example, I loved camping, and I set out to purchase camping equipment this time not for a family or a couple but simply for me. I was going to make that a part of my life.

The paperwork came through, I walked alone to the be in front of the judge, and ended a 19-year marriage. It was the same day I finished a seven-year art project and had it loaded into a van for delivery to a foundry. It was a day of closure in more ways than one.

Psuche