Breathing In Life

WHAT WAS THAT? I had a nuclear stress test today, and it was a terrifying experience. I would have loved the challenge of doing the treadmill, as I have been on the treadmill for six months, not fast but on there. However, my knee was bad, and I didn’t want to injure it anymore.

Instead, they give you a shot that causes your heart to feel stressed. CRAP that was terrifying. My breathing was so bad, and the pressure in my chest was frightening. Tears just rolled down my cheeks as I tried to maintain. YIKES, but worse than that, after the test I felt extremely confused. That freaked me out. When I told the doctors, they brushed it off. Then I felt incredibly emotional. Hope I don’t have to do that again.

Plus… I spend all this time eating right and not putting things in my body, and they come to me with a shot that they have to carry in a metal box? I let them put that in me? Wow, one day in the future we will look at our medicine and think, “how barbaric.” Has anyone else had this done and react to it?

I’m doing what it takes to be the best me I can be. My goal is to one day get back on the dance floor.

I found this https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5497239/ It says that in rare cases this an cause amnesia. Guess I’m a rare case. This link gives me so much peace. I thought I was losing it.

Yesterday at a birthday party for my granddaughter my best friend asked my x husband what he thought of how far I have come. ( I’m good friends with x husband number two and we do have a grown child and granddaughter in common.)  He said, “Well, you always wanted to be famous.”  And you have done it.

I was surprised that this is what he thought I wanted. I didn’t want to be famous. I wanted to make a living at my art and writing.  Notoriety was a part of that equation. It was inevitable.  I didn’t seek fame I sought things to feed my soul.

In the conversation, my heart whispered.

“Please God, can I have more time, can I continue to work and grow and achieve some more?” I said these things, feeling pressure in my chest and on oxygen. I have no idea what my future holds. It is time to absorb how far I have come. Rest here and see what happens.

Pusche

The items written about in this blog are very personal. I am a public figure but ask that if you recognize me you respect my anonymity.

Watering my garden with tears this morning.

Today I woke up and discovered on Facebook that a friend of mine from my plant swap passed away.  She was not only an incredible gardener but a crazy creative person creating Barbie Doll windchimes combined with found objects from the beach and bottle trees and so much more. Her home burned a few years ago, and we shared that misery talking about my daughter’s house fire at the last plant swap. She was a nurse. Her last post on Facebook is about how the allergies are killing her. The pollen count is high, and I even took allergy meds yesterday. She was alone when it happened. I don’t know, but I heard she could not breathe. My heart is broken. Somehow my life feels so much more vulnerable knowing that this woman can be taken.

I have been waiting for a time for my lawyer to go over the final papers she has sent.  She has postponed twice. I just can’t have something like this happen and leave my daughter in a legal mess. I woke up and decided that having something is better than having nothing, so this weekend I vow to get all the legal papers signed, notarized and copied.

This entire thing is so tricky.  I’m going without oxygen but started coughing terribly last night. I appear to be o.k. one minute and then a couple hours later I feel pain. I really have no idea what my body is trying to tell me.

A cousin contacted me via Facebook and asked if I knew the medical history of the family.  Medical history—it is such a strange thing. How do you ask siblings, and sometimes family strangers about their most private things?  But that is what I am doing. My cousin was specifically curious about her heart. Monday I go for my stress and heart tests.  Each test I feel apprehension, but elated with positive results or sometimes at least answers to questions.

With the death of this friend, I feel so vulnerable.  I’m focusing on health and life, but it is time to get these legal affairs in order. I feel that death is playing a game of hide-go-seek and wants to pop out at any moment and say boo.

Plant things, make life, share, and create crazy things. Life is short no matter how long you live. Eat it up like a six-year-old child savoring a chocolate shake at the best diner with your dad.

Pusche